Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Fuck Off, Poodle!

Sometimes it's hard being the only one with any intelligence around here. I am patient as can be, usually, but sometimes I just can't handle the pressure of being surrounded by pushy bastards (cats and Tall Ones alike). 

Beware, bastards! This is only a small taste of my wrath should your incessant neediness continue:
video

Sunday, January 4, 2009

What Belly-Dangle?

I was born small and cute and taut, like all kittens. But after the trauma of having my girlparts yanked without my consent, my belly has never behaved properly. The Tall Ones call this procedure "getting fixed." I'd like to "fix" them. 

My belly skin hangs and wobbles, like a pregnant woman after giving birth, but I've never had kittens. When I run, it rhythmically flops from side to side beneath me. When I lay on the arm of the couch, it mashes out to one side or another, never opting to hide it self beneath me. 

Here it is, in all of its glory.








I wrestled with this shortcoming for years, but I'm here to tell you now: Whatever. If you don't like it, scoop my litter box. I'm here. I have a belly-dangle. Get used to it.

Here is some helpful advice for the feline ladies with similar belly issues: "Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses." --John Weitz
Let me demonstrate. Here is me laying on the couch arm, belly dangle mashed out to the left:

















However, I had carefully positioned myself so that the majority of cats and Tall Ones entering the space will see me from the right side. From this angle...What belly dangle? 

















Oh, and apologies for the blurry photo. The Tall One's camera is slow at capturing my beauty, and I quickly grow weary of posing in one position for too long.

Another helpful hint: Stretch A LOT. When you are stretching, the dangly parts stretch out too, giving a slimming appearance. 

















Unfortunately, reader, I am tired of this line of conversation and must now groom myself. Ta.